Things are certainly trying between studying for the future, working and striving for the present, and constantly dealing and strengthening with what one has grown up with and incorporating with in the past. Yes, yes, I've apologized time and again for not keeping track of my public blog, but I mean something more than that. I do not keep a diary, and, aside from my texts, I dont write much more than that than my work emails, schedules, and LSAT crap. I just don't. This blog is incredibly important to me; this is the place where I keep everything essential to myself, in any form.
To be honest I don't have a relatioship to my parents, or any other member of my family. Long-term friends are inconsistant and I have a very bad habit of pushing people away. I've never been the socialite and, because of my mothers adolecent social paranoia, I was never really able to "get out there" with my peers.
I have often felt the outcast, someone somehow missing the point of the game and or how to really be on the level of the one's around; whether they be fellow students in high school or college or previous loved ones. And now, for a plethora of reasons, I have begun to be "on the in." I kinda feel like I know what I'm doing. Sort of.
I am going to keep going. I am going to be that old me. That person who organizes, works constanty (whether it is a mundane role or not), AND I am going to do whatever the fuck I want.
I want a record of this. ME not caring for things, for getting credit where it is deserved, knowing what is right completely subjectivly, seeking pleasure, getting paid, orgasiming, loving, creating, flirting, writing, being carefree, being careful, wanting to be that Rosie the Riviter persona I have wanted to be.
This is me and I need to be consistent and true to me. I am sorry to me, I am going to be taking much better care of you.