Sunday, March 6, 2011


These are the things that keep me up at night, that keep my head spinning, my eye twitching, and knees shaking. Sometimes I feel so sure of myself, of my independence, of my direction, of my sensibility, while other times I feel nothing more than a puddle of emotions stirred into an unrecognizable concoction I have to call 'self.'

Who the hell am I? Where do I get off being a goody goody know-it-all? Can I really make a difference? Is what I call a difference actually doing anything in the world? Am I going to be like this forever? Do I WANT to be like this forever? What am I sexually? Queer, lesbian, or some uncategorized creature that changes its mind? Why am I attracted to the people I'm attracted to? Why do I get so hung up over never having to "come out" about my sexuality to my family? Why is laying out everything about myself at Thanksgiving or some other stereotypical "coming out" family get together so appealing? Will I want or would it be OK to bring multiple partners to family gatherings? Is it possible to love more than one person equally? Do age differences really matter ever? Do I want to be married? What are Boyfriend and I going to do with the ring he bought me when we were 19? How old will I be when I decide I want to "settle down"? Will I ever want to? Will I ever want biological children of my own? Am I going to end up being sterile because of my IUD? How does one force others to conceptualize things as I do? Am I too simplistic? How the hell am I  a sex-worker and sex party attendee and STILL such a prude? Why am I so sensitive to crude jokes? Why can I not make a decent mixed cd? How do I keep from losing all of my possessions in a house fire? (I'm petrified of house fires) Can I have a tortoise and a cat? How do I build a meaningful and intentional community where a half-assed one already exists? I'm not an artist, can I ever be? How do I tell my grandma I'm not ready for law school? Will I lose every future opportunity to do so if I do? Why does kissing you give me so many butterflies? When can I go on a REAL vacation (and how can I afford it)? I am a 'processing' monster, why am I refusing to process certain things? How can I make sure my needs and desires aren't lost given my passivity in friendships and intimate relationships?

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